By G. Sharmila
In Tiger’s last conversation with le Ringgit, the latter was in a panic as it was approaching the 3.4 against the greenback mark. On Thursday, the embattled currency breached the 3.9 level, sending Ringgit running back to Tiger on Friday for some much-needed consoling.
Tiger has been diligently studying Bloomberg’s US dollar-Malaysian ringgit charts for the past two weeks, watching and waiting with some hope for signs of the weight-ridden currency’s return to normalcy. Some analysts had said two weeks ago that the ringgit would breach the 3.9 against the greenback level, while others said it wouldn’t go that low.
But it did, and the result is Tiger had a visit Friday morning from le Ringgit. Below is a transcript of the conversation:
(An ominous knock on the door at 5am.)
Tiger: Who is it?
Ringgit: (Whispers hoarsely) It’s me.
Tiger: Go away! (Pretends to snore.)
Ringgit: Let me in, or I’ll jump!
Tiger: All right, all right. (Opens the door and gasps in shock. Ringgit is standing at the doorway, so bloated he is unrecognisable.)
Ringgit: Let me in now. I cannot take it anymore.
(Not wanting a mess given Tiger’s cave is on the 20th floor, she agrees to let the overweight Ringgit into her cave. Some shoving ensues and Ringgit is finally settled into Tiger’s favourite chair.)
Tiger: You’d better not break that chair, Ringgit. What on earth have you done with yourself?
Ringgit: (Sobs.) It’s all your fault, you and your colleagues shamed me so I started binge eating.
Tiger: Shamed you? We only wrote the truth. You’ve been spinning out of control since you hit the 3.4 mark!
Ringgit: (Sobs even more loudly.) I can’t help it, all this stress has been weighing me down. And sugary foods are so irresistible!
Tiger: (Cringes.) What’s stressing you out now?
Ringgit: Everything, I tell you, everything. I’ve been gaining weight for months now and losing face to that pompous US Dollar. You and your Tiger friends have writing about me without asking me how I feel.
Tiger: We’re business journalists, we’re not in the habit of writing currency feelings.
Ringgit: (Glares.) It’s about time you did. Everyone’s been writing horrible things about me and no one has asked how I feel about things.
Tiger: Well, tell me then. This is your opportunity. And hurry up, I have some fake kijang meat in the oven.
Ringgit: To tell you the truth, I’ve been recently cheated by a slimming centre. They promised me all sorts of things and then after taking my money, I found that I gained even more weight.
Tiger: Really? What is this slimming centre called and what kind of business did you do with them?
Ringgit: (Looks shocked.) How did you know I went into business with them?
Tiger: Is this slimming centre called OneEmDeBee? Did you do your research on them before signing a contract?
Ringgit: No… but…
Tiger: But nothing. If you had asked my advice earlier, I would have told you to have nothing to do with them. They’re debt-ridden and desperate to rescue themselves. It’s your fault all the investors are running away. No one wants to invest in a loser currency.
Ringgit: But I didn’t think it would get this bad. The slimming centre promised me I would stop falling, they said I would not gain more weight if I invested in their groundbreaking weight-loss technology.
Tiger: And did it help? It didn’t, did it? Yesterday you fell past the 3.9 mark to the US Dollar. On Friday morning at 10.20am, you fell to 3.9307. Investors have clearly lost faith in you. The market is saying you’ll fall to 4.0 in no time.
What were you thinking? You’ve already got external factors like US interest rates, China’s economic situation, and the strengthening US Dollar influencing your reputation. And now you go and have dealings with the most notorious slimming centre in the country!
Ringgit: (Says meekly.) But they sounded so sincere.
Tiger: Oh I bet they did, so did the central bank governor when she said she wouldn’t impose capital controls on you, but look how far you’ve fallen from grace. She will probably have no choice now, either that or resign from her post.
Ringgit: Oh, don’t say that, please! Not capital controls!
Tiger: Well, what do you expect her to do, wait on the sidelines while you spiral to the 4.0 level? She has been silent so far but even her patience will run out someday. And if the foreign exchange reserves fall below the US$100 billion (RM390.1 billion) mark today as some analysts have predicted, she is going to be mad at you. So will I, in fact, we’ll both help you jump off the 20th floor!
Ringgit: Sigh, there must be a way I can fix this.
Tiger: Your fate is out of both our hands now. Only the governor can save you. In the meantime, find yourself another slimming centre to help you shape up.
Ringgit: Any recommendations?
Tiger: Yes, it’s called Am & MayCC. Give them a call when you’ve gotten a grip on yourself.
Ringgit: Oh thank you, Tiger! I promise to lay off the donuts from now onwards.
Tiger: Whatever, now get lost! My fake kijang is starting to burn.
Ringgit: Thank you, oh thank you! I won’t let you down this time, Tiger.
Tiger: Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Ringgit. I wish you well. Goodbye, now!
Ringgit: Goodbye.
(Note: At 4.40pm Friday, August 7, 2015, the ringgit was 3.9227 against the US dollar, which tells Tiger her advice to Ringgit was yet again wasted. Tiger is at the time of writing, billing the governor for her ruined chair.)
GRRRRR!!!
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